I put on a little façade. It seems to grow every fucking minute. For some reason, I like to pretend that I’m hot shit. Really really really fuckin’ hot shit. But… I’m not. Not even close to the extent where my vanity could possibly be warranted.
Along with my arrogance comes the usual attitude associated. In short, it seems like I’m a huge asshole to everybody. Well, at the very least, everybody seems to think along those lines. I’m not even sure if I can blame them. I’m starting to believe it myself.
But it’s this ridiculous cycle… I’m an asshole merely because people think I’m an asshole.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m considered unapproachable and intimidating. What the fuck? Really? That assumption seems so… baseless to me. Nobody has really even taken the time to try to get to know me.
Which is a huge problem, because there are so many people that I’d love to get to know better. But if they think that I’m just some asshole, I’m pretty fucked. So there’s my dilemma.
It makes me pretty sad. I pretend like I’m some hot-shit guy, but I literally have nothing to show for it. This is why I didn’t go to homecoming. And haven’t gone to homecoming. Ever. I have to pretend like I’m unfazed, too. What a fucking awesome vicious cycle.
Refer to title.
I ask a lot of questions. I tell myself and everybody else that I just enjoy stroking my ego…
But really, I analyze things to try and conclude if there is actually any hope.
EDIT: “Hope” is actually an awful word to describe this. I prefer “possibility”.
Hope implies desperation.
Today, I end my vicious fucking cycle of procrastination.
I’m going to do it.
I had a “Suddenly Saturday”, too. I don’t know how I should feel about this.
I’m wasting my fucking life away. I come home, eat, sleep, and don’t do any of my homework until it’s after 10 PM.
My daily schedule:
I’m so scared of what’s going to happen when I’m at college… I don’t have a single ounce of organization in me. I don’t take notes. I don’t even fucking know how. I can’t even keep a damn binder for two weeks without losing papers and shit. Ugh. I also need to stop cussing. So I will. Try.
Anyways, I need to improve myself.
Step one: Write my MIT essays this weekend. I’m not allowed to go out. I may get bored and watch TV, but I’m allowing myself that.
Step two: Robotics is currently unimportant. MIT + school first. Cannot stay after for 6+ hours every week and build my robot just because it’s fun.
Step three: What THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN CHEM, ECON AND CALCULUS?
FUCKING PAY ATTENTION PLEASE.
Econ grade went from a 97 to a 91/90/89. I don’t even know anymore. And it’s all because I don’t pay attention or read the damn book or anything.
I used to think I understood chemistry. Now I just am copying every damn Webassign from the internet 30 minutes before it’s due. I don’t read the book either. God, what the fuck am I doing?
Calculus……. Don’t even get me started. Granted… Morley is unintelligible at times , but I’m not excusing myself out of this one. Every morning, I copy the Econ homework (which contributes to my spiraling demise in Econ), then play around on my phone. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYyyyyyyyy?????? I wing the fuck out of the tests and quizzes and make good grades because they’re open book/notes
But it’s okay, right? I sure hope it’s okay. Because I’m going to get fucked real hard in college if I continue this.
Sub-steps for rectification:
This is all for now. Read this again on Friday, Logan.
Bye.